Ahhhh... HEAT!!

Ahhhh... So this is what heat feels like! We had forgotten for a while...

Furnaces are one of those things that we become so accustomed to having available that we often end up taking them for granted.

NOT ANY MORE. NOT IN THIS HOUSE!

I first noticed the furnace wasn't warming the house as it should (and had been) on Monday night, Oct 26. Yes, you read that right: Oct 26 - 12 days ago. At first I thought I was just being my typically paranoid self about stuff like this, and that it would improve during the next day. It didn't.

Hoping for a simple solution, on Tues we bought new furnace filters and replaced the filter, and also replaced the batteries in the thermostat. No change. 68 was feeling chilly to me. I'm a self-proclaimed wimp. I like my thermostat set at 70-72.

We called our landlord the next morning (Wed, Oct 28), and he and his son came out and looked at it. They are general contractors and have been in business in this area for 20 years. His son replaced a wire that had burned out. When he turned the furnace back on, he found a hole in the heat exchanger. He said it's easier to replace the furnace than the heat exchanger, though the heat exchanger had a lifetime warranty on it. The landlord decided to replace the furnace because of its age.

The problem is that because Canton is rural, they have large appliances like this shipped from Columbia, 2.5 hours away... and they are delivered on Wed. We'd obviously missed the order deadline, and would have to wait a week for delivery. Our landlord said if the temp dropped significantly he would drive to Columbia and pick it up himself. He also said he had some old space heaters if we wanted to use them.

The indoor temp had held steady at 68, even overnight, so we thought we'd leave things alone and see what happened. The house was cool, but manageable with long sleeves and sweatshirts and blankets. By Mon, Nov 2, the temp was 65/64 - but still not really fluctuating, even overnight. We decided we could make it through another 36 hours, and would forego borrowing the space heaters.

By Tues, the girls and I decided we had had more than enough. Our fingers were cold; our toes were cold; we were shivering. We were layering sweaters and hoodies and coats and blankets. Ray was traveling with his final fall college fair week. I missed his hugs which would allow me to take advantage of his body heat! We were looking forward to the next day which would bring an end to this "fun" experience.

Or so we thought. Wed, Nov 4, was a no-show. No furnace, no landlord, no call as to why. I was getting mad! The temp inside had dropped to 59-ish. Katasha had been home sick Tues-Wed. With the flu going around, I'm sure she would have gotten sick anyway, but the cold house didn't help! I felt that if this had happened in the house our landlord is living in now [or if it had happened here in this house when they were raising their kids], his wife would have sent him packing to Columbia to pick up the furnace long before now!

Throughout the week, we had called our landlord. We didn't want to be jerks, but we needed to get this issue resolved! So before placing another call to him on Thurs, we decided to call the realtor who had helped us find and rent this house. She is his friend, as well as his realtor.

Here is the benefit of living in a small town - she said she would call him or drive around and find out where he was working that day and talk with him. She showed up on our doorstep within 20 minutes. She had talked with him, and he would bring the space heaters over that evening and the furnace would be installed Fri. She also told us about a situation with which he was dealing, which helped clarify his difficulties and helped explain why things had been delayed.

It's easier to be charitable when you understand more of the big picture!! It's also easier to be charitable when space heaters raise the temp to 67 within a few hours!! [I know! I know! Next time we face a situation like this, we will borrow the space heaters immediately! ... But please! Let there never be a 'next time!']

When our landlord brought the space heaters yesterday evening, he said they'd be there to install the furnace at 9 AM. This morning when Ally came for seminary, she asked if we'd had a delivery - sitting in our front yard was a brand new, still wrapped from delivery, furnace! Yippee!! (Only in a place like Canton could they drop it off before 7 AM and leave it sitting in our yard, near the road!)

9 AM came and went. But that was all right because the school nurse called at 9:30 and I went to pick up Katasha early. (She really did feel better yesterday!) The son came at 11:35 to charge his power tools, and said he'd be back about 1:30 after lunch. He came at 12:30.

And as I type, he is nearly done with the installation. Ahhh, heaven. Heat is wonderful!! I will never take it for granted again!

What a long 12 days this turned out to be. However, our new furnace will wait for its inaugural use. The temps this weekend are supposed to be in the 70s!! Ah, the irony...

Halloween 2009

We had fun this Halloween. We had some costume changes between Trunk-or-Treat on Wed and Trick-or-Treating on Sat. The girls decided I should share only the Sat pictures.

Laura was an angel on Wed. We hadn't been at the church very long before she came over to us and said, "I really wanted to be an angel. But now I don't want to be an angel. I have to be good." I think she wanted to run around the church with the other kids and felt that wasn't a very angelic thing to do... lol. On Sat she was a hippie. Laura ended up going trick-or-treating with her friend, Taylor, and Taylor's parents. She had fun.

On Wed Katasha was Poppy, a character from one of her favorite book series, Night World. But then she changed to a vampire for trick-or-treating. (It wasn't such a drastic change, since Poppy is a vampire in the book.) Katasha and Jessica went out trick-or-treating for a while, and then I drove them to a few more places on the way to drop off Jessica and Sarah for a party. Katasha had a hard year. She is the one who most missed Halloween in Ohio! (It was hard for me, knowing how much she was hurting...)

Jessica just dressed in orange and black Halloween-y stuff on Wed, and was Glinda from Wicked on Sat. She looked wonderful - despite people thinking she was a beauty pageant contestant or a princess. hehe

Sarah was Elphaba from Wicked - no face paint on Wed and green face paint on Sat. Katasha and Jessica helped Sarah with her face paint. It took a long time, but she looked awesome! However, she said it itched and started peeling, especially in the cracks along her jaw line. She ended up washing it off at a friend's house before they even went to another friend's Halloween party!

Halloween is not my favorite holiday, but I do enjoy my kids' sharing their chocolate... Enjoy the pictures! Happy Halloween!

[If you click on "view all images" you can see the full picture of Sarah, Katasha, and Jessica - the "stuck in the Land of Oz" one. It's picture #10. Jessica's facial expression is easier to see this way, and it's worth a look!]

Fun and Unique Blessings

I am not sure how a week can seem to pass so slowly and so quickly at the same time. But that is the way my week went. We've had some fun and... um, unique... blessings this week.

Sunday the missionaries came over for dinner. Elder DeGraw asks us every so often if we are feeding the missionaries. I figure if we hope the members in Washington are feeding him, we should be feeding them here! lol. What a blessing to have the missionaries in our home!

Our home teachers also came to see us. It was really nice to have a visit from someone in the ward. Shortly after we moved the RS Pres had major surgery and has been recuperating, so I'm not worried yet about not knowing who my VT'ers are. But I do have to admit that the distance makes it easy to feel isolated, so having our HT'ers come was neat! I know things will work out, for this is a good ward.

On Tues we received notice that due to illness the school would be closed the rest of the week. The girls have really enjoyed their unexpected 5 day weekend! We have held seminary later in the day. (Woot!) Ray worked in the office this week. The girls and I have had fun playing games, watching movies, making cookies, and hanging out. It's been a very relaxed and fun week!

We've also tried to stay warm, as our furnace gave out on us. It seemed to be an easy fix, with a wire burned out - but when they fixed that, they realized there is a hole in the heat exchanger. Because of the age of the furnace, our landlord decided to replace the furnace rather than just the heat exchanger. However, their large appliances are ordered from Columbia, MO, and are delivered on Wed. So we might be without heat until Wed. Luckily, it hasn't been too cold and the heat is holding steady at 65-ish. But still... 65-ish in Oct with lots of rain feels really cold!

We're cold but not overly frustrated. There are still blessings. First, of course, is that we are renting and therefore the cost to replace the furnace is not our responsibility! (Whew... That would have been difficult for us right now.) Second is that the heat in the house is holding steady and the overnight temps are not yet freezing. Third is that there have been no slightly-possible carbon monoxide repercussions. Fourth is that we have sweatshirts, fleece blankets, and quilts to use to help keep us warm. It could be worse!

Our ward had trunk-or-treat on Wed. There were ice cream sundaes, a costume competition based on ages, the YM hosted a haunted house, and of course trunk-or-treating. The kids had fun. It was nice to visit with new friends.

We splurged and went to the theater in Canton to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. The theater here has one screen, shows movies that have been out for a while, and has great low prices. (Like going to the cheapy theater.) HP 6 came out on the day we moved, so we have waited a long time to see this movie! (We are HP fans, and have seen most of these movies the day they were released, so missing this was a sacrifice!) However... bingo! you got it! blessings anyway!... We have now seen it. We really enjoyed it. And it was fun to spend time together.

Jessica, Sarah, and Ray went on the youth temple trip today. Ray enjoys helping, and the girls were able to do some family file names that my dad had sent. We love Nauvoo - but from the first weekend we were here (when the teens went for the pageant and baptisms with Michael Wriston... remember, he helped us move) Jessica has felt a special affinity for Nauvoo and the temple. It just seems to "speak" to her in a way that she hasn't experienced before. It is really neat to see her enthusiasm for the temple and Nauvoo! Sarah feels it, too, just not as overtly.

The final blessing this week is that another Halloween is behind us. The kids enjoy it, but it has never been my favorite holiday. (I do, however, like it when my kids share their chocolate!) I am not creative and talented enough to come up with great costumes. I love having kids old enough to figure out what they want to be! I will share more details and pictures later, hopefully tomorrow. [Side benefit: I'm not in Primary on Sundays, so I won't be dealing with sugar-hyped kids tomorrow in church... beyond my own kids, of course!]

I am grateful for my blessings. There are ups and downs (like difficulty typing when your fingers are really cold) but life is good. I love viewing my circumstances through the prism of optimism!

Unexpected Party

We received a school phone tree message a short time ago:

The school will be closed Oct 28, 29, 30 due to illness. The building will be closed. Most activities are cancelled. Parent-Teacher Conferences and other specific activities will be rescheduled. The elementary Halloween parties are cancelled.

Laura will be sad about missing her class Halloween party, but we have Trunk-or-Treat on Wed and trick-or-treating on Sat, so I think she'll be okay.

The girls said yesterday that a lot of kids left school early due to sickness, and they heard there was an elementary class that had just 3 kids there!

There have been confirmed cases of H1N1 in Hannibal (40 min away) and at least one at Culver-Stockton College (5 min away). I'm not too worried about my own kids catching it, but I am glad the school district is being careful, especially with the number of kids who are out sick.

Wahoo! The girls and I get to have an unplanned, impromptu vacation at home the rest of the week! First thing on the agenda will be watching a movie Jessica and Katasha have been dying to watch for nearly a week. And I think we will make cookies or cinnamon rolls or something.

Let the fun begin!

Blessings of Zigzagging

Well, this has been a zigzag week! The lows have been difficult, and the highs have been wonderful. Hmmm... that sounds a lot like Life!

So Life this week included stake conference in Nauvoo. I never thought I'd say that I think the church's metal folding chairs are more comfortable than other ones, but the adult-size plastic ones were not comfortable for that two hour meeting. I really would have preferred the metal ones! Who would have thought that metal chairs would be a blessing?! We also had a good discussion on the way home with Jeff, Sarah, and Laura. (Katasha was sick and Jessica, who was recovering from being sick, stayed home with her.) Additional blessing: Everyone is well again! Knock on wood.

This week we remembered the anniversary of Ray entering the MTC 25 years ago, and Ryan's MTC entrance 4 months ago today!

We made it through Week 4 of Ray's travel! He is working in the office next week and traveling the first week of Nov, and then we will be done with the fall travel! We have done fairly well with the adjustment back to some travel, but we will all be glad when Ray can be home on a more regular basis.

Activity Days went well. Because of our van problems a couple of weeks ago, this was only my second meeting with the girls. They are a neat group of girls, and while there may be some challenges, it will be a lot of fun.

Sarah banged her knee hard on the edge of the stage at play practice on Mon, and has a nice bruise. She had some twinges of pain, but nothing too bad until Wed when she stood up after crouching at her locker to get things and her knee popped. She has had a hard time putting weight on it since then. After a few days of ice packs and ibuprofen, she was still in pain and stayed home from school on Fri. I took her to the dr. where they took some x-rays. Sarah's knee is not broken nor dislocated. Yay! She is to rest, stay off it as much as possible all weekend, use ice packs, ibuprofen, and a knee sleeve for 7-10 days. (The sleeve is much like a bandage/brace, and reminds me of a thigh-to-calf version of the compression hose I had to wear when I was pregnant with Katasha and Laura!) She stayed off her feet most of the day and seems to be doing better. This is a great blessing, as she could have been hurt much worse.

The zigzag of the week comes in with my emotional adjustment. I had a rough evening, and Ray was traveling and it was too late to call my usual support system friends. Finally I decided to allow myself to become vulnerable and blog about the process of coming to terms with my adjustment (or lack thereof, as the case may be).

Some amazing things have happened - I have had friends rally to support me, which has helped me truly see that I am not alone, that I am not abnormal, and that it is possible to survive the transition of a major move. This was HUGE immediate feedback that I desperately needed. Thank you, Friends! Another amazing thing that occurred was the burden of trying to pretend I am perfectly fine was lifted from my shoulders, and the guilt I have been feeling has dissipated. That sense of relief is incredibly palpable!

I have also had a number of conversations which have helped me turn my attention away from my internal feelings of isolation and loneliness toward external ideas of what I can realistically do to change my current emotional state. Simply brainstorming ideas has been therapeutic! (Thanks, Ray and Crystal!) And finally, showing my vulnerability has eased the stress. I have some friends who have shared some of their major struggles and that made it easier for me to open up and expose my deepest feelings. Ironically, sharing how hard this still is for me is helping to make it easier. So this deep plunge into my emotional morass has actually turned into a great blessing!

Ray and I went to a bonfire tonight. A family in our ward hosts a huge annual bonfire - and by huge I mean it was 2-3 feet wide and 60 feet long!!! This is THE event of the year, adults only, and everyone looks forward to it. It was really neat to be invited and to strengthen new friendships. We ate tons, went on a hayride, and had a lot of fun. I realized that I am making new friends, and starting to fit in and to feel that I belong here. It was a fantastic way to end this week!

And thus the zigzag ends pointing up toward greater opportunities! Indeed, I am blessed.

Untangling My Twisted Heart

Today is a new day! Life always looks better after some sleep, some food, some chocolate, some conversation with Ray, and some balm from my friends! (not necessarily in that order...)

Thank you, Friends. That is not nearly enough, but it will have to suffice.

As open as I usually am, and as often as I usually seek the help of my family and friends, I have held some things close for a while now. Some of it burst out of my twisted heart last night. I have decided to open up my heart a little more in hopes of helping me start to heal.

The facts:

For me, home is where Ray is. We complete each other. We have our issues and we are not perfect, but we are at our best and happiest when we are together.

We have had 5 years of trials and difficult circumstances. I have often felt like a yo-yo, or like I'm on a monster roller coaster ride that never quits. Prior to these 5 years, life surely had its difficulties - and there have been times when things have been as bad or worse than these recent years. But it was the constancy of the feeling: "Okay, you made it through that challenge. It's over. ... Oh wait. No, it's not. Just kidding!" Over and over, year after year, again and again...

For me personally, it was 5 years of hell. There just isn't any other way to describe it. There were some very good times mixed in; but from my perspective, the struggle to survive the trials hovered over every blessing. I took a beating emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I often made it through solely by relying on Ray's faith and perseverance.

But I learned some things about myself. Heavenly Father loves me, even when I feel broken. I continue to learn to believe I am worth His love, regardless of how I handle my circumstances. I believe in Ray. I trust my Savior. I know my family and my friends will be there for me. I know I am faithful and strong and courageous. I am a fighter. I refuse to give up my faith and my hope. I can - and will - overcome my trials with His help.

The reasoning:

I believe it took these 5 years of struggle for me to accept the idea that we would need to move. (I am NOT saying that I believe God sent these trials to us because of my hard-headedness about staying in OH. I don't believe that at all. Most, maybe all, of our challenges came because of natural consequences of choices, ours and others.)

I did not want to leave. We lived in Fairfield for 12 years - twice as long as we'd lived anywhere else, and over half of our married life. This was where 2 of our kids were born, and where our kids were raised. By year 3, I was saying that I could live, die, and be buried there and be at home. Apologies to our UT family members, but when I think of "Home" I think of Ohio. UT is the home of my childhood. MA and AL were the homes of my "emergence" as an adult and parent. For a time, UT was once again the home of my refining fire. But OH is the home of Myself.

I am who I am because of the faith, confidence, love, and courage I found within myself - yes, in many places and through many people and over many years. Yet it was in Ohio where I truly "came into my own."

Who is to say that I could not have found that in another state? Who is to say that I cannot continue to build on that elsewhere? But a large part of Me happened because of my friends, my ward, my stake, and my area - and those things haven't moved with us!

The acceptance:

I mean what I say: Home is with Ray, regardless of the location. That is NOT just empty rhetoric. (Moving is not easy, but being with Ray is definitely easy.)

I believe we are here in Missouri for a reason. Already, in just 3 months, we see some of that unfolding. We are probably, at least in some ways, an answer to many prayers. We need to be here.

Ray's job is wonderful. It has its challenges and frustrations (what job doesn't?!) but Ray is good at what he does. He looks forward to going to work again. He hasn't had that since he worked with Ron. This job was not available in Ohio.

I have come to realize that I was becoming a little complacent in my well-fit place. This move has certainly shaken me up and forced me to drop the complacency!

The untangling:

I need to focus on the blessing of being off the monster roller coaster and moving on to the "big kids" coaster. It's still not a "little kiddie" ride, but it is certainly better than the monster one!

And I need to admit some things...

A huge part of my difficulty in adjusting is because I don't yet have anything with which to really "replace" my old life. Ray has his job; Ryan has his mission; Jeff has college; the girls have school. They have colleagues and companions and new friends and classmates. I have - or rather, had - nothing. So far I have not been able to find a part-time job here. I have acquaintances at church (I am even starting to put names with faces!) and a few new friends who are busy with work, family, and other things. I am a seminary teacher and an Activity Day leader.

But I am floundering to re-find who I am. I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know where to find Me.

I feel guilty for continuing to struggle with all of this. There are still some challenges in life, but this is so much easier than what we've dealt with recently! I need to be more grateful, not just on Sat night! I feel like I'm not being fair to Ray or to my kids - that I'm not supportive or enough of an example. Sometimes it's hard to talk about how I still struggle to feel like I belong here. Ray adjusts quickly and easily, and the kids seem to be adjusting well overall. So if I bring it up, I feel like I'm just wallowing in my misery and making it harder for them. But I'm still working through it and need to talk about it, so I'm torn... I feel like I'm not being fair to Missouri or to Quincy Ward - that my difficulty in adjusting doesn't allow me to give them a fair chance. They deserve to have me give them a chance to enter my heart! It won't happen as quickly or as completely as it did in Fairfield, but there are some wonderful people here!

I need to learn to balance the tugs on my heartstrings from where I have departed with the opportunities available in where I have arrived. It is okay to grieve the loss of what I had, but I cannot allow it to consume my thoughts and paralyze me from taking any action that will help me adjust.

And I have been emotionally and mentally paralyzed. I have been trying to protect myself from being hurt and rejected. I have been hiding. I have been consciously avoiding the thoughts and actions that will allow me to face my fears.

I will still mourn - what I had was irreplaceable! - but I cannot find my place here if I am continually looking over my shoulder and wishing for what I used to have. I am not trying to get rid of the old; I am trying to make room for the new.

There are new things to learn and new ways in which to grow. There are new friends to make and new joys to experience.

I just have to be willing to do it. It is time to shake off this fear and get to work. It is time to discover the Missouri Michelle.

Twisted Heart

Tonight I looked through a Deseret Book catalog I received in the mail. There are a lot of neat new books and products. Hilary Weeks has released a new Christmas CD. Wish list!

Then I flipped the page and saw a two-page spread of Nativity sets.

And suddenly I was in tears. I remembered the Nativity display that our old stake puts together every year, and how much we loved attending last year, and how we were going to attend every year from then on as a new family tradition.

But we aren't there any more. At the time, we had no idea that we would be moving 7 months later. We have to come up with another new Christmas tradition.

I miss my friends. I miss my ward. I miss my stake. I miss the familiarity of 12 years of residency.

I'm trying. I really am. But tonight, for this hour or so, there are just not enough good things to make up for all of the wonderful things I miss in Ohio. There just aren't...

I know that's not really completely true.

My earlier post today shows how many interesting and good things there are about Missouri and this area. Our new ward is really good. We are starting to make wonderful friends. Ray's job is a fantastic blessing. We are together as a family. We are generally healthy and happy. There are many, many blessings.

But just for this hour, just for tonight, my heart is all twisted with the hardship of trying to balance the old and the new.

PS: One of my blessings... Laura just chose my new background. I love my daughter!

Missouri - Random Facts and Thoughts

Apparently, today is National Day on Writing, designated by a Senate Resolution. Hallelujah - permission to write! (Wait. I don't need permission to blog...)

I wasn't planning on posting today. But I must take advantage of this opportunity. But what to write... what to write... Aha! I've wanted to share some information about our new area. So here are some random facts about our new state, courtesy of Wikipedia:

* According to the American Religious Identification Survey, 1% of the population of the state is LDS.

I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if most of that 1% was in or near Independence, given the Church history in that area...

* Missouri is one of the top five states in the nation for production of soy beans.

* Missouri has the second largest number of farms in any state after Texas (as of 2001).

No kidding! We are surrounded by farms, mostly soy bean and corn. The entire northeast section of MO is farmland and small towns.

* Missouri has both Midwestern and Southern cultural influences, reflecting its history as a border state. It is also a transition between the eastern and western United States, as St. Louis is often called the "western-most eastern city" and Kansas City the "eastern-most western city."

I've always considered Cincinnati as being in the Midwest (some do quibble with that, thinking OH is in the East), but now we are most definitely right smack in the middle of the country, especially if you consider the Mississippi River to be the dividing line. We live barely west of the river, and attend church just east of it. You might say we straddle East and West!

* Missouri earned the nickname "Gateway to the West" because it served as a departure point for settlers heading to the west. The St. Louis area was the starting point and the return destination of the Lewis and Clark Expedition, which explored the western territories to the Pacific Ocean.

There is a huge Lewis and Clark influence here. Parallel streets to College (our street) are Clark St and Lewis St. Our county is Lewis County. It is everywhere! Likewise, Hannibal is 40 min to our south. Hence, there is also a lot of Mark Twain influence around here.

* There are only two states in the entire country that border eight different states - Missouri and Tennessee - and no state borders more than eight. Missouri is bounded on the north by Iowa; on the east, across the Mississippi River, by Illinois, Kentucky, and Tennessee; on the south by Arkansas; and on the west by Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska.

We must have a thing for Tri-State areas. In AL, we were in the Tri-State area of AL, GA, FL. In OH, we were in the Tri-State area of OH, KY, IN. And now we are in the Tri-State area of MO, IA, IL.

And finally, for the answer to the question we've had since we moved here, that even long-timers haven't been able to adequately answer: Why is Missouri called the Show-Me State?

* Wiki: Missouri has been known for its population's generally "stalwart, conservative, noncredulous" attitude toward regulatory regimes, which is one of the origins of the state's unofficial nickname, the "Show-Me State."^{[30] ... ...} The use of the unofficial nickname the Show-Me State has several possible origins. The phrase "I'm from Missouri" means I'm skeptical of the matter and not easily convinced. This is related to the state's unofficial motto of "Show Me," whose origin is popularly ascribed to an 1899 speech by Congressman Willard Vandiver, who declared that "I come from a country that raises corn and cotton, cockleburs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I'm from Missouri, and you have got to show me." However, according to researchers, the phrase was in circulation earlier in the 1890s.^[50] According to another legend, the phrase was a reference to Missouri miners brought to Leadville, Colorado to take the place of striking miners and being unfamiliar with the mining methods there required frequent instruction.^[51]

There are some other nicknames for the state. One is "The Cave State" - MO has over 6000 recorded caves. Apparently, the only state with more caves is TN. (MO must have a competition thing going on with TN... lol)

Thank you, Wikipedia. And thus concludes your geography lesson for the day.